Creative Tinder

Like so many of us, I was horrified by the news. I sat stunned, watching MSNBC, trying to make sense. But there is no sense in such killing. Just pain and confusion, sadness and fury.

I had all the same instincts most of us had: Watch every minute, then turn away in disgust. Rail against who or what I believe responsible. Thoughts and prayers. Feeling bereft.

And then that moment when you try to get back to work or the kids or whatever the day was supposed to bring and find yourself trapped. Can’t go forward, can’t turn back. That’s when I knew for sure.

This is a transformative moment.

Not just for the survivors and those close to the events in Las Vegas, but anyone, everyone who is moved by what’s happened.

And what we do next is very important.

It’s normal to feel angry or sad or helpless. And it’s normal to want to turn away from such feelings. But that’s exactly what we cannot do. Those feelings are the catalysts for change. If we numb out, everything stays the same.

So instead of turning away from the sadness or fury you feel, use it. Ask yourself, who am I willing to become?

Because if we don’t use this moment to become bigger, braver, better than we’ve been before, than the horror will be only that — horror.

But if we seize this moment, it can be horror and. There is good that can come out of this. Tangible, permanent, meaningful good.

And to be clear, I’m not just talking about gun sense legislation. That’s a worthy change, in my opinion, but it’s not the only good that can come of this. The possibilities are endless and very personal.

Who can you and I become in response to this tragedy? How can we grow? What better version of ourselves can we each bring into the world? Because a better, braver, bigger version of you and me matters.

In whatever way — in your own way — be the good that comes out of this. That’s how the world gets better.

A friend reached out to me recently when a young man she knows was injured in a car accident. He’s an athlete, about to head to college on a full athletic scholarship. Except the accident crushed his leg, forcing amputation.
My first reaction to the news was pure emptiness. Not a word of the requested hope or insight… Just the weight of what’s happened and the sickening knowledge that he can’t go back.

But as the days went by, the fact of this young man’s loss began to move in a larger context. And there is where the hope is.

Here is what I eventually had to say. It’s for him, yes, when/if the time is right, but it’s also for those close to him. Turns out, when something like this happens, everyone involved enters a cocoon.

It’s also for you, who are living in the shadow of any great loss or change.

———-

I was 33 years old when I fell 25 feet out of a tree I was climbing for fun. Impact left me instantly, completely, and permanently paralyzed from the waist down. Up until that moment, I had been a lifelong dancer.

Dance wasn’t just my great joy. It was my therapy, my church… And it was a big part of my work as a stage actress. To dance was to be perfectly myself. And paralysis was my greatest conscious fear.

I fully expected the injury to destroy me. Whether we voiced it or not, we all wondered the same things: How would I manage the huge challenges of living with this disability? What would happen to my career, my ability to earn a living in any capacity? Would I be able to find a life partner? Or ever have a family? And how would I recover from the staggering losses?

To everyone’s surprise – none more than mine – becoming paralyzed turned my life to gold. I went from being a well-respected but virtually unknown local actor to a nationally touring, critically acclaimed theater artist. My one-woman show launched a speaking career I never saw coming. Then I became a successful coach, helping people turn their own lives to gold. I also found love (right under my nose, as it turned out) and have been married now for 10 years. Seven years ago, I gave birth to our fabulous baby boy. I am 100% independent in my wheelchair, driving, traveling, working, playing, caring for my son. Even my mental health improved post-injury. Before becoming paralyzed, I’d suffered a lot of depression and anxiety. But after, I felt far less.

It’s hard to believe this is all true. Honestly, it still surprises me 15 years post-injury. But what’s really worth understanding is that it happened not despite paralysis but, rather, because of it.

There is nothing like getting hit where we live. It cracks us open in the most brutal ways, takes from us what we value most. But it can also be an extraordinary catalyst. It propel us forward, beyond even the best we’ve dared imagine for ourselves.

That is what happened to me. And it can happen to you.

It will take time to explain exactly how this is done, but it comes down to the relationship we are having with the challenges we face. We can’t change what has happened, but we can choose what we do with it. How we approach it. It’s those choices that dictate whether loss makes us shrink or, instead, grows us into shiny new versions of ourselves.

One thing you should know: It’s still going to hurt, no matter what choices we make. The truth is, nothing diminishes what we’ve lost.

But there is something golden that can emerge alongside the loss, a life remarkable and glorious, with purpose and joy. The truth, I hope you too will soon find, is a very big place.

There’s one mistake I hope you won’t make:

When people hear my story, they often think, wow, that’s amazing… but I could never do that. If that’s what you’re thinking, it’s a mistake. Here’s how I know:

If you had asked me, the day before I fell, if I could survive being paralyzed, if I could make from that circumstance a life bigger, bolder, and brighter than any I’d had before, I would have choked in your face. I would have said, “No way.” And I would have been absolutely sure.

But I also would have been wrong.

We are, every one of us, underestimating what we can do. With enough of the right support, even the unimaginable becomes possible.

I know you can’t see it right now. From inside the cocoon, it’s only easy to see what’s being lost and almost impossible to see what might be gained. But that’s ok. You don’t need to see it. Until you can, I’ll hold the vision of your beautiful wings.

A few days ago, I spent two hours talking with a dear friend. She’s going through a rough time right now. Maybe you can relate.

I’m not going to go into the details because, really, they don’t matter. It could be her health, her job, her marriage. The point is, my friend is scared. She has moments of feeling strong and guided, but it also feels like her life is unraveling. And she has no idea where it will end.

Have you ever felt like that? Like the things you believe, the things you count on, that you know for certain about yourself, suddenly aren’t so certain?

At one point in our conversation, my friend said, “It’s a real Shero’s Journey.” Though I hadn’t said anything, I was thinking the same thing.

And as I continued to listen, I just felt over and over that she should be supported. Something really big is happening to her, not just on the surface but within. That’s the nature of a Shero’s Journey, whether we call it that or not.

And as shitty as it feels, there is so much good to be had.

There is so much potential to create from this unraveling a truly miraculous life, with even more love, more grace, more fulfillment. There is the potential for my friend to step ever deeper into her purpose, to refine her service to the world in her own magnificent, unique way….

And she should have everything she needs to do that.

We all should.

And just like that it was clear, yet again, why I do what I do. Why I tell the stories I tell, why I teach what I teach, why I coach. Because every one of us should have the opportunity to harness the potential in our adversity.

The fact is, any challenge can launch a Shero’s Journey. Every challenge holds that potential. It’s not about the magnitude of the thing. It’s not chosen by some higher power. It is chosen by us.

It’s about how we choose to engage with the drama life is handing us. And our choice, alone, elevates the possibilities.

And it doesn’t matter when we make that choice. The opportunity never goes away. We might be right in the middle or ten years past. It is never too early or too late.

Talking to my friend, I could feel my heart beating with prayers: If she must feel this pain and fear, then let it do more than cause suffering. Let it bring her right with herself. Let it empower her to serve and to soar. Let it set her truly free.

And that is what I want for you, for all of us.

You know, paralysis surprised me. It was so hard, but it set me free. It held the key to literally everything I desired — love, family, success, happiness, meaning, and purpose.

If you have been hurt, or suffered a loss, or been put through the wringer, you’re already in the presence of the same potent pool I had. All that’s left is to tap the potential and let your experience set you free.

My son has a new toy. It’s a Lego set from the Ninjago series and he’s not put it down since building it. He takes it in the car on the way to school. He takes it into the tub. He takes it to bed… every single night.

In case you don’t have a young child, Ninjago is an animated television show about a group of young ninjas, and the story lines are steeped in “ancient” codes of wisdom, martial arts, and fantastical heroes and villains, all in the tell-tale square Lego style.

One of the main story lines is the emergence of the Green Ninja (the centerpiece of my son’s new toy). Prophecy has said that a Green Ninja will rise up and destroy Lord Garmaddon, a big-time bad guy with four arms. The young ninjas become obsessed with the possibility that one of them is destined to become the Green Ninja, and they spend a lot of time trying to prove their worth.

In the end, a younger, pest-y, wannabe bad guy named Lloyd (who happens to be Lord Garmaddon’s son) turns out to be the destined one, and the others become his teachers.

Well, the other day in the car, we were discussing the Green Ninja (we discuss the Green Ninja A LOT), and my husband, Dean, said something about “before he was the Green Ninja.” Aidan immediately corrected him:

“Lloyd was always the Green Ninja. He just didn’t know it yet.”

I nearly jumped out of my seat. “Yes! That’s exactly right!!”

I don’t think Aidan knew how profound a statement he’d just made.

When I was in my early 20s, right after graduating from college, I moved to Paris, France. I wanted to study theater in a particular style and, based on no actual research, decided I could find that style only in Europe. It wasn’t entirely foolish; the founder of the style was Polish and ran a theater lab in Italy. But since participation at the lab was heavily restricted, I had to pick somewhere else to study and for mostly imagined reasons, I chose Paris.

Once there, it took almost a year to find an appropriate training company and in the months before I did, I was pretty distraught about my career. I wanted so much to perform, to do good work on the stage and be a successful actress. But living as an ex-pat in Paris, working as an au pair, doing exactly no theater, with no obvious access to theater work, I just couldn’t see how those dreams would come true.

Well I had a great friend in Paris, an American man I’d met in France, who was Head Show Writer for the then, under-construction Euro Disney. He was older than I with significant success under his belt and a load more life experience. One afternoon, sitting in his lovely apartment in the Marais, overlooking the rooftops of old Paris, I shared my deep anxiety over my seemingly hopeless dream. And he said, “You already are that successful actress.”

“What are you talking about?!” I demanded indignantly. It actually felt insulting to be called a successful actress given the life I was living. By what stretch of the imagination could a woman who’d not yet made a dime acting and who hadn’t performed in over a year be called a “successful actress?”

“You’re the successful actress when she was young, living in Paris, without opportunity, and scared about her career,” he answered.

Well, that stopped me cold. I could actually feel the synapses reorganizing themselves in my brain.

To get this straight, I was the me I was becoming before I had become it. Just like Lloyd was the Green Ninja before he, or anyone else, knew it.

It’s possible there is no more radical an idea.
In the moment, in my friend’s apartment, two particular things struck me. One is that the truth suddenly got bigger.

That I wasn’t performing, wasn’t training, was barely supporting myself in a place where there appeared little to no opportunity for advancing my career was suddenly simultaneously true along with being a successful actress. There was no contradiction and, more importantly, the former was no longer evidence that the latter was untrue.

The other is that everything I might do or experience from that moment on, no matter what it involved or how it looked, could end up part of the path to my dream. In fact, as long as being a successful actress continued to be my interest and intention, no moment of my life could escape being part of that path!

So, for instance, if I… found an appropriate group with which to train only to have the group disband months later; and then I returned to the States broken hearted; and then I descended into a deep psychological crisis that fairly well disabled me for nearly two years; and I worked a simple, part-time clerical job just to pay for therapy; and then I officially quit acting and became a teacher; and then I got a Master’s Degree in Human Development; and then after five years, I quit teaching; and then I did my first play in forever, for free, in order to work with a director aligned with my training; and then I went to work full time for an insurance company; and then I was invited by that director to co-found a theater company; and then I worked a part-time job while doing productions with our now award -winning theater company (mostly unpaid); and then I fell out of a tree and became paralyzed; and then everything stopped while I spent months in a hospital; and then I lost my interest in fiction and quit my theater company; and then I informally shared some stories about my paralysis experience from a stage; and then I spent more than a year making no money, getting nothing done, and freaking out about my questionable ability to create a full length, one-woman show… it could all be part of the path to becoming a successful actress!

And, in my case, all of that exactly was. After it all, I finally stumbled into developing my show, launched it to gorgeous reviews, multiple extensions, devoted fans, speaking opportunities, touring opportunities… et voilá: successful actress.

Do you see what this means for you, though??

It means that YOU can become anything from exactly where you’re standing right now.

It means, in fact, that you are already that thing. It’s just that you’re her at the time in her life when being “her” looked really different. Even, impossible.

So… You’re the philanthropist at the time in her life when she couldn’t consistently make enough money to pay the bills each month.

You’re the successful entrepreneur at the time in her life when she was working a 9 to 5 and doubting her ability to make it on her own.

You’re the joyously married woman at the time in her life when she was so sick of failed relationships and the seeming lack of “good” partners, she was ready to give up on love altogether.

And you’re a healthy, vibrant woman at the time in her life when she was sick, tired, and overweight.

It’s true, the Green Ninja is fantasy. But I’m not fantasy at all. And the crazy path I took to my dream is very real. If that path could include years of not living the dream, tons of doubt and struggle, mental health issues, lack of opportunity, lack of money, quitting the dream, spending years on a seemingly different path, and bloody PARALYSIS, what have you got going on that’s powerful enough to squash your dreams?

I’m not mocking whatever pain you’re feeling. I only hope to suggest that nothing – no matter how contrary it looks, how crummy it feels, how powerful it seems – is inherently a deal-breaker. You might not believe me — there were many years on my path I wouldn’t have believed me – but it’s true.

We are all exactly who we are becoming. We just haven’t gotten there yet.

So don’t be fooled by what life looks like today.

And, please… Don’t give up.